Emotional and Sensory Details of My Cutting Process
I won’t go into too much detail of why I cut, but it kind of determines how I feel during cutting. I usually have to be deeply hurt, usually from rejection, break ups, or not accomplishing a dream of some sort.
I’ve brought down the amount I cut, which is good. I generally feel a great amount of sadness and/or anger before I cut. I make sure I’m alone and then kind of just go at it. I used to use scissors to cut, but my ex girlfriend hid them a few years ago. They gave me the worst scars I have.
During the cutting process… When I first started to cut, I wouldn’t go too deep because I’d stop injuring myself when I started to see blood. I used to blame my cat for scratching my arm, despite them being almost perfectly perpendicular to my arm. But, one of the worst times I’ve cut, I just kept going. I didn’t care how much blood there was, I just kept at it until I calmed down (after about three or four hours). There’s only been one other time that I was in that bad of a frenzy which resulted in thick scars.
In total, I have about six(perpendicular) and one (parallel) permanent and noticeable scars on my wrist/forearm.
So, the frenzy-like state I’m in can either be completely focussed on the subject that’s upsetting me (be it anger, rejection, or sadness). continually fixating on that point or; completely apathetic. In a complete Zen-like state that makes me oblivious to my surroundings. And I don’t feel much, painwise.
Afterwards, I’m cold, and generally tired and not wanting to get up the next morning for school (I have an odd habit of cutting in the evening/at night). The high amount of emotional distraught or the apathy, is really energy depleting. So I kind of feel drained the day afterwards, and trying not to think about what happened. This is generally the time I start to think of ways to hide my new wound.
And during the healing process, I generally feel shame about my wound. That I could’ve been stronger and not have to succumb to such old habits (I started when I was 14, I’m 18 now). I sometimes carve words into my skin. Usually extremely negative words. The words and what they say make me quite sad, even after they’ve healed (because some of them haven’t faded away).
Person [Female-to-Male, age 18, began to SI at age 14, high school student}