[female, age 19, began to SI at age 16 at the latest, college student (full time)]
By Draco Malfoy,
Right before I SI, I feel nervous, sort of tingly, anxious… and eager, in a strange, horrible way. Once the need, the drive, hits me, I have to do it, even if it means making up a stupid excuse to get away. During… I feel so much better. I know that it’s horrible, and it probably isn’t healthy, but it’s the best way of coping I’ve found. I don’t have to explain myself to anyone while I’m hurting myself. It’s this great relief with no guilt–no guilt while it’s happening, at least. And after… I feel guilty sometimes, but not because I think I’m doing anything wrong, per se. I just know that if my Mom realized what I’m doing, she’d feel horrible and blame herself, when this ISN’T HER FAULT. Other times I worry, because I want to be a teacher one day. I know that my SI won’t affect how I interact with students, or my ability to help them learn. I’m just terrified that my SI will keep me from getting a job – teaching is all I really want to do, and I don’t want to lose it, but I’ll never get certification and a degree if I don’t have a coping method for daily life.
Person [female, age 19, began to SI at age 16 at the latest, college student (full time)]