I feel like this should go unsaid (because I feel like it's kind of obvious), but trigger warning for discussion of self harm.
Beforehand I always feel incredibly agitated and frustrated. I'm super dissociated and halfway frantic. I feel like i have an absolute need to cut myself or punch something. Anything to make the feelings stop and to give me some sense of relief. Or at least make me feel that I'm actually in this body and that everything is real. I'm usually in a constant dream state which is incredibly frustrating. I also experience this weird physiological sensation - it's an intense ... "itchiness" in my arms and throat and jaw. It feels like something is moving inside of me, or like there's grains of sand stuck in between my muscle tissue. I feel like I have to cut it out.
While I'm actually self injuring the dissociation actually feels worse. But I feel so much better to have concrete proof that I exist, that I am real and can feel pain. I s, wee my blood and I know that it is mine. Makes me feel more awake I think. I feel so tired all the time.
Afterwards I'm usually feeling that endorphin rush, where everything has sort of stopped and I feel a little bit at peace. I know that it doesn't last long-term. But in that moment I feel secure. That I have control and that I exist etc etc.
Later on I'm consumed by guilt and shame. I don't want to tell anyone, even my therapists. I'm so afraid of letting everyone down. I try to tell myself that it's ok to feel this way, and that I did what I could just to feel better. But how can I tell anyone I've done this? After all the time they've spent on me, trying to help me... I feel like they've wasted their time on me.
Then the pressure comes back and I end up going full circle. It's a cycle I don't like and I'm trying to stop. But it's hard. I think I need to focus on something else other than 'getting better'. I need to be more confident. I need to talk more and advocate for myself when I need help. Getting better is so vague. I should think on a more concrete goal.