What are these feelings?
Feelings. So many feelings and so little time to feel them. I feel a lot of things before, during, and after I harm myself.
Before Before I cut, I get one of two feelings. Either I am extremely happy because I know I am about to relieve myself from whatever is causing me to harm, or this depression of pity that I could never fully explain to other people because they are no inside my head.
During Usually when I am cutting, I am listening to my ‘cut’ song (“Sorrow” by Flyleaf) and I am looking at my blade with such passion and love for it. This blade is going to take me to the place of happiness. To that place of peace where I do not have to think anymore. There are very few times when I am feeling depressed when I am cutting. Sometimes, I don’t even feel anything. I am just numb to all feeling ( which is great in itself sometimes).
After: After I have washed off my blades, my arms and wrap it up, I am just at a peace and I can just sit wherever I did this cutting and just look around me. I have only ever felt regret a few times, but typically, it is just happiness. Something went right in my day, and that was cutting.
Person [female, age 18, began to SI at age 11, College Student]