[female, age 30, began to SI at age 16 or younger, mom of 5 and artist]
By Draco Malfoy,
HARDER!!!!! No doubt! It’s harder to do it without someone getting upset, it’s harder to hide when you know someone will know. It’s harder because they always want to talk…they always want the “reason” why your wanting to …and when it’s the same reason as always they don’t understand, even if it’s different they can’t understand. I DO NOT want to be critized when I am at that moment when I HAVE to cut. Guilting me just makes me angry and possibly dangerous in my judgement for cutting. I’m not saying they are soley responsible it’s just that if I am triggered by something or I feel like I have to cut…any critizing will just echo in my head with alot of other bad things i.e.:”you’re letting me down”, “you don’t want to make me happy…”,”what about how I feel”, “you aren’t thinking about anyone but yourself…”, “You want to hurt yourself”…the list goes on. I’m not really hearing that person as one. If you call me selfish or fuss at me…even at 30 years old I am like a child being scorned I will dismiss you and say whatever it takes to get you to leave me alone. Someone that loves me and is trying to help can’t get anywhere guilting me or yelling at me. They don’t understand that the name calling or the scorning has been done until it’s pointles. I’ve heard it all my life. Do they expect that because they love me I should be any diffrent to them? My husband says the point of yelling at me or saying something negative about my cutting is to shock me out of it. He honestly doesn’t understand, to him if I cared about him I would feel hurt by what he has said to me. I will be shocked into reality so to speak. No! It doesn’t work that way and just because it doesn’t does not mean I don’t love him. It just means that after years of hearing bad things…you kind of grow immune. I feel sorry for hurting him AFTER I cut, before that I feel sad or hurt by what he says.\n\nI thought I would be accepted, afterall he said he would always help me and not guilt me if I still felt I had to cut. That’s not true anymore.I thought things would be better I thought I would cut less…and I do cut alot less. However, I have the drive to do it worse when I do. I restrain myself from that but it is a huge desire. The duration between cutting is months…it use to be hours…then days, ect…The urge has not gone away in the least,my desire to please was just greater…but over time it’s harder. A death of someone I loved three years ago is slowly sinking in over time. I grieve in odd ways and things that hurt me take years to affect me sometimes. I am capable of holding grudges secretly for years…if I can remember. I have a huge problem with memory. I lose important memories even till today. I don’t know why.
Person [female, age 30, began to SI at age 16 or younger, mom of 5 and artist]