In high school, I never partied, never drank, never smoked anything.
But I've always struggled with depression and self-harm. I started cutting for the first time when I was thirteen, and have battled this addiction on and off, ever since then. And I was doing a really fucking awesome job beating this addiction until recently. Within a few weeks of starting my freshman year of college, I relapsed.
It was getting really bad. The cutting was getting more frequent, I became more dependent on it than ever before, and the cuts got deeper and deeper.
But then I discovered smoking. I tried hookah first, then weed. And it made me feel better. Ever since I started smoking, I haven't really felt the need to cut as often and as deeply.
And the other day, I was trying to explain to one of my friends why I love hookah so much, and suddenly it hit me. I knew I loved the sensation of inhaling deeply, exhaling, and seeing the smoke I was exhaling. But it was exactly what I loved about cutting--the sensation of cutting my skin, and watching the blood seep out.
It's that same old visual representation of release.
So which is worse? Should I smoke more, if it means it'll help me stop cutting? Or is it just a slower and more socially accepted version of self-harm?