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My “friend” told my mom when I was 16 that I cut myself.  I had been doing it for about a year and a half.  She kept me out of school the next day and brought me to the Emergency Mental Health Ward.  I was interviewed by a psychiatrist or psychologist or whatever.  I was already afraid of hospitals - doctors, needles, crazy patients like in the movies - so I lied.  I lied through my teeth about why I cut myself.  I said I didn’t know.  I said my friends convinced me to do it.  I said anything I had to in order to not be committed.  My mom thinks I haven’t cut myself since.

I’m 23 now.  The last time I cut myself was 2 years ago I think.  It’s hard to remember because it all blends together.  Time, I mean.  I am still depressed.  I still want to cut myself, but I don’t want to disappoint my fiance.  So instead I hold it in. 

I wish I was brave enough to go to the hospital.  I feel like I am a danger to myself.  But I am terrified to go simply because it is a hospital.  There’s a stigma.  There’s scary doctors.  I come up with reasons not to go.  This coming fall I will be living on campus at whatever school I get into to finish my Bachelor’s.  I will be away from my fiance. in a new place. with no one I know. with the stress of school and working. and I am terrified.  The question is: Which am I more terrified of - being committed, or myself?

[female, age 23, began to SI at age 14, college student]

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