Many medical professionals over the course of my hospitilazations and seeking for the right therapist have come to the conclusion that I was doing it only to get attention or that I “had to have been” sexually abused, both of which are completely untrue. No one really knows why I enjoy SI, but the truth is i only enjoy it only in the moment. While I have the razor in my hand the only emotion i feel is anticipation to the the blood running down my body. I dont know why, but if there’s no blood i feel i failed. I tell myself i cant even cut right if i dont have a gaping wound that gushes blood.
Most of the time I cut when I am angry, others when i’m bored and have nothing else to do. Sometimes i’m so numb i just want to feel. Sometimes i’m so overwhelmed i need something to relax me. To me the blood expells all of the evil i have inside of me…all the built up pain.
The easiest explanation of why i cut: When I feel alone and scared, my razor is the best friend i have got.