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What Doctors Don't Tell You

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Many medical professionals over the course of my hospitilazations and seeking for the right therapist have come to the conclusion that I was doing it only to get attention or that I “had to have been” sexually abused, both of which are completely untrue.  No one really knows why I enjoy SI, but the truth is i only enjoy it only in the moment.  While I have the razor in my hand the only emotion i feel is anticipation to the the blood running down my body.  I dont know why, but if there’s no blood i feel i failed.  I tell myself i cant even cut right if i dont have a gaping wound that gushes blood.  

Most of the time I cut when I am angry, others when i’m bored and have nothing else to do.  Sometimes i’m so numb i just want to  feel.  Sometimes i’m so overwhelmed i need something to relax me.  To me the blood expells all of the evil i have inside of me…all the built up pain.

The easiest explanation of why i cut:  When I feel alone and scared, my razor is the best friend i have got.

female, 17, began to SI at 13, GED student

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