I suppose I'll start by introducing myself, I'm Molly and I've dealt with self-harm, depression and social anxiety since an early age. My aim with this blog-styled message is to make other people who may be going through the same thing feel less alienated and yes, I'm aware that I'm only one person but I actually want to help other people suffering with the illness we all know so well by eliminating the feeling of difference. Originally, I wasn't sure which category to put this under as it's going to be everything; my own battle, ideas and ways to get through it and come out the other side a better, stronger person. The chances are no one will actually read this but if this so much as helps one person or gives them a different out look then I will be happy.
First of all I'd like to start out by saying I welcome people to email me or Kik me if they ever need to talk. I am a complete stranger on the internet like we all are but I still want to offer my support and I will always try to reply as fast as I can; no problems are stupid. My Kik is xMVCx and my email is email@example.com, so those are my contact details, even if it's something small like having a bad day then I encourage you to email and I will reply as fast as I can because bottling things up isn't good. The positive thing about me just being an internet user is that you don't know me and I don't know you, there isn't any shame or embarrassment because c'mon, we're both on this site because of a common link. So we may as well take the opportunity to learn about each other and hopefully help ourselves and others.
I'll start with my story.
See I never fitted in when growing up, no it isn't a story about knowing I was different from early on. It started in high school, I had a group of three friends and we all hung out but I always felt that I was the replaceable friend in the group, that I was the person they'd let go if needed. Supposedly it was needed, I was let go and it led me down a downwards spiral of self-hate, low self-esteem and feeling like I wasn't good enough. I'd watch them laughing over random things that happen and I'd always wonder how they were laughing still when I was being driven insane by my own mind.
Before then, my mum was pregnant and I adored the idea of having a little brother or sister; it thrilled me when she was pregnant and I couldn't wait to welcome a new little one into the world. Sadly, she miscarried and by the time I was 10, I was already self-harming. Sure, it wasn't serious, the blade was blunt but to me, bare in mind my age, it was a huge deal and I felt the need to conceal the few grazes I had along my arms. So this was the coping method, and sure enough I returned to it when my high school social life collapsed.
Even after my school life settled down, I got used to being on my own, the depression had already sunk it's claws into my mind and slowly ripped me apart. The thoughts I had scared the living day light out of me, I remember looking at a draw string bag and contemplating putting it over my head and pulling the strings as tightly as I could. Thankfully I never did. Last year people at school became concerned, my english teacher particularly as she noticed my writing took a dark turn, and soon I was sent to CAHMS (a counsellors and psychiatrist centre for young people.) I didn't find it much use, we just talked and soon enough I was on sleeping tablets to help deal with the nightmares and terrors. He offered me anti-depressants but my mother wasn't too keen on the idea of me taking them and so the option was closed. Returning to the sleeping tablets, I over dosed myself last year. It wasn't thought out or premeditated in any way, I saw the rest of the packet and took them. Thankfully there was only 8 left in the package and I took them all, it seemed extreme considering it was on one or two a night. I just figured it'd make me sleep for a really long time but I was wrong. So very wrong. I ended up being sick and vomiting.
Looking at me, you wouldn't think I was a self-harmer. I go to school, I try to blend into the crowd and keep my grades high but I know a different side to myself and I'm sure that's the same for many of you.
As mentioned earlier, I encourage you all to drop me an email, comment or a text on Kik if you ever need me or if you feel the desire to rant or to tell your own story.
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