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    Escalation


    • Why is complicated. It began when I was living at home. I felt so bitterly alone, I didn’t know how to tell people how depressed I had become. I began slicing my arms, ever so lightly. I also stopped eating. My parents eventually got me help, and I stopped for a year or so. But when I was 18 I had a miscarraige. I didn’t go straight back into SI. I let the depression and anger and helplessness fester. I didn’t allow anyone in. I left home and moved across the country, and felt more alone and isolated than ever. I began with tattoos, dozens of them. Pictures to illustrate my pain. But that wasn’t enough, I took a small razor to my arm and scratched the skin again. That bittersweet release overwhelmed me, just as it had when I was 13.

      Now the cutting is a game for me. A twisted game which keeps my mind off of all the other messed up things in my life. I cut when I’m alone to keep my mind off the lonliness. When I go to work or spend time with people it’s always a little game to keep them from finding out. Nothing else matters to me anymore.

    • Person [female, age 19, began to SI at age 13, employed]
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    I started cutting myself for the first time a few weeks before my eighteenth birthday. Here is a summary…my sister has got into a really bad drug (meth), film stuff which I am not ready to share, and my cousin was real sick. Because of the film stuff and the conservativeness of my school I feel frustrated and angry and I often cry probably 3-4 times a week after school or during school because my family and I are constantly offended by a certain teacher (he is our religion teacher at our school) by him telling the class how wrong this certain thing is and stuff, even though he doesn’t know my family and I are directly affected by it. I try and ignore it, but I end up crying and getting angry and frustrated that he is so rude and hurtful to people who he isn’t even giving a chance. My cousin has been really sick ever since the doctors messed up preforming a biopsy and because of other health issues he deals with it made him even sicker and he couldn’t handle it, and after six months of fighting to live he passed away (a few weeks ago). Pretty much all of those things got me to where I cut myself, and its a mixture of them all each time I do it normally. I keep it to myself normally which probably isn’t a good thing. 

     

    I have my first and second period classes in the same room at school but with different teachers. Yesterday was an emotional day for me and I had cried a little bit on the way to school. My first period teacher had said something which really wasn’t the exact reason why I cried, but I was more frustrated with everything above as well as having cut myself on Thursday (½0/11) so as soon as the bell rang, I went to where I sit for 2nd period, put my head on my desk and started to cry. The first period teacher felt really bad and said she was sorry, because she had talked about losing someone and I had just lost someone, but I guess I couldn’t help it and I just had to cry. I hate crying in front of people though. My first period teacher is the one I want to tell about the cutting.. 

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    Guest FlightlessButterfly

    Posted · Report

    Mainly it’s because I am in so much pain. I feel so much depression and sadness and it feels like things will never get better. Cutting reminds me that I’m alive, and it gives me a brief reprieve from my feelings. A lot of times it’s the only way I can cry or release anger. I started hurting myself as a very little girl after being sexually abused, began cutting as a teen, stopped for several years and started again recently. I guess it’s something I will always struggle with. How to fill that hole and deal with the pain. I’m in therapy but I guess this is the getting worse before it gets better stage, I don’t know. I just wish I didn’t feel so alone all the time, even when I surrounded by people. Even though I have people who love me and reasons to live I can’t get rid of the feelings I carry. Cutting gives me a sense of control in a life where I feel like I am free falling into a bottomless pit. 

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Welcome to self-injury.net. We are a support community for self-harmers and also provide information on self-harm, creative works, media lists, lists of resources (helplines, textlines, mental health apps, therapists, etc.), etc. We focus on self-injury but a number of other mental health issues are included.

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  • self-injury.net is a self-harm community and resource founded in 1999. Provides support, resources, and information on self-harm.
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