[female, age 16, began to SI at age 11]
By Draco Malfoy,
When I was around the age of 5, I used to try and make myself sick and purposely not eat because I had done something wrong and therefore was not perfect. I always had to be perfect and when I screwed something up, I had to pay for it. When I was 10, I sunk into a depression. My father was verbally abusive and didn’t help my self-image at all. I absolutely hated myself and was constantly wishing something bad would happen to kill the monster that I was. I wasn’t suicidal when I first cut. I was 11 and my father had just got finished telling me how stupid and worthless I was. I took a knife and went into my room and made several barely there cuts on my leg. Afterwards, I was calm. A year later, I told my best friend I did that and she thought i was the biggest freak. In 8th grade, I was at a really low time and was constantly looking for a way out. Everything turned into a reason I should kill myself. Freshman year wasn’t any better and I started cutting on a regular basis. I felt I was ugly and horrible and didn’t deserve to live. I had made several suicide plans but never got to the point of carrying them out. I felt it was better to cut because I was only hurting myself and not others. I could never do that. Also, when I cut, I didn’t dwell on the problem. It helped me get over it. It also gave me a sense of power. I could take all this pain. After awhile, I had a fascination with the blood. I had never heard of this behavior, so I thought I was insane. I mean, what kind of person would do this to themselves? This wasn’t normal. So I would have lots of shame and wear long sleeves to cover up the cuts. I met Michele at the end of freshman year. I noticed the cuts on her arms and we ended up becoming good friends. We understood each other. The beginning of sophomore year, the cutting slowed down and I only had a couple incidents towards the end of sophomore year. The beginning of junior year, I had a strange fascination with the pain (although I hardly felt it) and was feeling extreme self-loathing and the cutting increased greatly. Within 2 weeks, I had about 100 new cuts on my left leg. About two weeks ago, somebody turned me into the counseling office at the school. My parents were called and were quite angry about the whole situation. My father threatened to put me in a mental institution. My mother was just so hurt and I feel horrible for having hurt her like that. I never wanted to hurt anyone and that is why I cut myself; to avoid hurting others.
Person [female, age 16, began to SI at age 11]