[female, age 18, began to think of SI at age 6 and can't remember when she began to SI, high school student]
By Draco Malfoy,
I self-injure(d) because it’s always been the highest pleasure for myself, pure ecstasy, it makes me feel as good as possible, it’s perfect if done correctly. Perfect self-injure (highest pleasure) for me would consist of 3 main parts 1) making myself suffer 2) watching my blood flow 3) trying to bear the pain that seems to be impossible to bear.\n\nI self-injure(d) not because my life is so grey and I don’t have anything else to do, not because I am unhappy about my life, not because I’m crying for help or seeking attention, nor I hate my body or my whole self. But yes, I am self-destructive, and it’s not a paradox, it’s how the harmony is built: there’s no life without death, there’s no will to live without will to destroy myself and die. I like myself, but I’d like to destroy myself at the same time, because the whole personality is composed of opposites, and I’m not trying to fight the self-destructive part. I like pleasure, and I like suffering, and there’s no pleasure without suffering. And as I realise it, suffering turns into pleasure, it becomes highest pleasure when the dark side of my soul feasts upon the reasonable, “pro-life” part, and then there’s no suffering anymore, just endless exstasy, euphoria. \n\nNote: I separated “dark side” from all the rest of myself just to make it easier to understand, because both parts are participating in creating the pleasure, and they are actually just two manifestations of the whole, two different sides of the I.\n\nP.S. I’ve never seen masochism mentioned on self-injury pages, because it is supposed to be suffering that brings you pleasure, but only if received from other person, so it doesn’t fit with SELF-injury. For me self-injury is (sado-)masochism within myself, within those imaginary two parts of the I, and it is prevailing of the “dark side” and submission of the will to live.
Person [female, age 18, began to think of SI at age 6 and can't remember when she began to SI, high school student]