[female, age 20, began to SI at age 7]
By Draco Malfoy,
It started out with me wanting to hurt my mother, wanting her to know how much she was hurting me. I wasn’t raised to ever talk about my feelings, so I don’t know how to do it. It’s sorta like a covered pot with water in it on high heat. Eventually the pot will boil over. When I got angry or frustrated or sad, I had to let my feelings out, so I would cut myself. Sometimes I use it as a punishment, like, “I can’t believe I made a C on that Physics quiz. I am so fucking stupid. I have to cut. I hate myself. I’ll never get right, I’ll never get anything right.” Sometimes I do it to feel alive, not to feel empty and disconnected. Sometimes I think that if I can just cut out the badness in me, the sickness, and get it out of my skin, then I’ll be okay. Then I’ll be purged and clean. I crave the feeling of it, the sight, the experience, the power. It’s so addictive, that even if I haven’t done it for weeks or months, I can imagine perfectly what it would feel like.
Person [female, age 20, began to SI at age 7]