It’s such a short question and yet the answer is going to be shockingly long. You see, when I was thirteen, I got messed up by this guy who decided that it would be fun to play me, see how it went. He was sixteen at the time. He got me into alcohol and eventually we started doing things together, physical things. He had a girlfriend as well, and I felt terrible about it. Yet I had just suffered from a break up and because of that I wanted to feel loved, needed, cared for, and so I took it all in my stride.
That is, until someone found out and told everyone at school.
From that day on, my life became a living hell. After two weeks of being constantly bullied, called a whore and a slut and a liar, I cut myself for the first time with a pair of scissors. I never thought it would come down to this, and yet after I did it I felt that I deserved more, that I was such a terrible person that I should do it more and more to the point where I couldn’t go two days without cutting. And so began the terrible habit.
When I look back on it today, I regret going to that pair of scissors for comfort. But I was suicidal and I couldn’t think of any better way to handle the situation considering I was thirteen. I didn’t know that it would become a habit, a comfort, something that I would never be able to stop.
Today I keep a razor blade hidden in my jewelry box. I guess I cut because it’s the only thing I know, the only thing I can go to when life gets shitty or something goes wrong. I just don’t know what else to do. It’s a comfort, addiction, obsession, everything I don’t want it to be and yet there it is, always tempting.
I cut because I want to. I cut because I can. I cut because it gives me control. I cut because it’s what comforts me. I cut because when I sink into depressed mode, it’s the only thing that opens me up again and silences the monster in my brain. I cut because the monster in my brain will bash and thrash at me with all its might until I cave. I cut because I feel I have no choice.
Person [female, age 16, began to SI at 13, student]