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    Laughing it all out

    Living Up To Her Name

    • It started off freshman year. I was a straight A student, was popular, and always did the wrong thing. Unfortunatley that wasn’t enough for my parents. They wanted more. I was already in 2 honors courses and band (which takes up A LOT of time) as it was. You see, I have this cousin, D____ who had just graduated and was attending HARVARD. I am from a hispanic family so cousins are like sisters, not to mention the fact that i lived with her half of my life. My mother was a more of a mother to her than my aunt. Anyway, my mother would constantly tell me i “Needed to do more” if i was ever going to get into an ivy league. Truth was I didn’t wanna go to an Ivy league, all i wanted to do was perform, you know? I just wanted to play my guitar, my drums, and write my music. At some point I gave up on trying to live up to her name. So i decided to fail my classes. YES, I DECIDED TO. I could’ve passed them all easily even the honors classes, but i just didn’t wanna be put under that pressure anymore. So sophomore and junior passed. My mother and father had given up on my grades and turned to something a lot more personal… my weight. I used to be really skinny. like stick skinny. Once high school his, my weight went up. I gained like 40 pounds. Now that my parents had decided that music would be my career they realized i had to be attractive to make it. I’m still trying to lose the weight. So anyway, earlier this year (senior yr) i realized how bad of a decision to fail was. I didn’t even try applying to any 4 year schools. My mother and father were so dissapointed. I felt like I was the worst daughter. So now and days my mother and father are constantly harrassing me about my weight. I know their intentions are good, they only wanna see me attractive so that i can make it in the music business, but the way they say the things they say hurts. They staright out say “you’re too fat already, and getting fatter.”  all the time! That’s the nice one. Eventually I got to a point where I just couldn’t take it anymore, so i started to cut. i stopped about 2 months ago. This week is my cousin D____ ‘s HARVARD graduation. We leave for boston tonight from cali. I thought I was over the whole D___ going to HARVARD thing, but i guess not. I look at her and see a future, then I look at myself and see a past… I’ve been trying to avoid going back to cutting, but the temptaion is back. I have a lot more on my plate this time around…Idk how i’m gonnna handle…  money issues, D___’s HARDVARD graduation, city college, weight issues, my music AND finding a job. it’s intense. I hope I can make it through without SI this time around…

    • Person [female, age 18, began to SI at age 17, high school student]
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