By Jamie Winddancer,
Why do I self harm? Well, thats an aweful big question. I started self harming in March 2015. I had just gotten home from a horrible day of bulllying and someone posted a video of me crying in class on the internet. I had been kicked, pushed, taunted, and hurt my whole life. I sat down in my closet and closed the door. I broke an ornament from christmas and picked the sharpest shard I could find. It burned ans stung at first but I was so numb that it didn't matter. I carved deep, small cuts into my arm and sat there sobbing and bleeding. Eventually my tears dried and I felt completely numb and lifeless. I climbed into bed, curled into a ball, and prayed I never woke up. See, Iv'e had depression since I was about 6-7. When I was 3, my mother called the cops on my father for domestic abuse. The cops took me and my brothers away for 48 hours. She filed for a divorce, my father was trialed and found heavily guilty. He was sentenced to a year in prison. He got out in just 4 months for good behavior. I didn't see him for years. We moved to New Jersey and I started 1st grade. Thats when it all started. I had no friends and i was heavily bullied. It's been like that since I entered school. I remember crying myself to sleep almost every night and having horrible nightmares about my father abusing my mom and us (my brothers and I). We moved back to Oregon when I was 8. That was when I saw my dad for the first in a long time. I remember being terrified of him and screaming at my mother to not let him take me. We were poor and lived in the ghetto for 3 years about. We lived off of cheap spaghetti, taco bell, and little ceasars pizza. I still had horrible nightmares and I ran away to the park by sneaking out the bathroom window constantly. No one cared or noticed. Then when I was 10 we met my step father of ooh 3 years? I always hated him and he hated us. We moved into a house with him that same year. I was honestly glad because the children at my old school were horrible. A year later I was molested by a homeless man named Tomas. He felt me up and touched me in a public swim area and no one helped me. I had hit my head a minute ago so i was too dizzy to walk but finally i pushed past him. That man never went to jail. I cried and scrubbed by body till it was red and raw. I hated myself. Over the next few years I became scuicidal, I attempted scuicide 4 times. I also had major spikes in depression, insomnia, PTSD, anxiety, and my self confidence dropped flat. That same year, my aunt died from cancer and the mental abuse from my stepdad got worse. I also told a girl i liked her. I was taunted and pushed around constantly. They called me "lesbo", "dyke", and "man-woman." I ran away that year as well. My mother promised shed get me a therapist. Two years later and I'm just now getting one. The second time i cut, my mom walked in on me and held me. She said she was pulling me out of that school and I'd go to an online school. Things were good for a bit. I got a group of close knit friends and an adoring boyfriend. In March one of my best friends Sam was hit in and he died in surgery, in April my friend Chandler commited scuicide and that same weekend my best friends mom was sent to an asylum for being clinically ill and for child abuse. I was there when it all went down and I only criedor showed i was scared when I was alone. She stayed with us a few weeks before her father took her. We now have shared custody over her. Thats when I startedcutting again. My arms, my legs, my shoulders. Everywhere. I was a wreck. I stopped for about two months until I relapsed during a panic attack. One of my most vivid self harm episodes was during my mothers birthday. I had ananxiety attack from the volume of the people talking and the closeness. I went upstairs to calm down but it only got worse because people came up pounding on my door at which point i went full anxiety. Sobbing, shaking, and cutting. I layed on my bed, gripping my hair with blood dripping on my bed. When people heard me crying even though i told them to go away, they got my mom. At which point she yelled at me, told me I was attention seeking and grounded me to my room. Now this month I had my other best friend James die, my boyfriend and i split up, i lost my friends, and my stepdad left. I was also kicked out of my theater group. Lately Iv'e been cutting alot and having frequent panic attacks. My mother says my lifes been easy and I have no reason to be so depressed. What do you think now that I've shared my life story? Am I overreacting?? Yeah. Thats why I self harm.