Self harm Story
Hello, I am new to this site. Hopefully this helps me.
Alright so I am 13. I am in the 8th grade. I have been cutting for 1 year. I have been suicidal since I was 11. Last year for my birthday for some reason my aunt got me an IPad. Downloaded some games and stuff. Then my brothers kept on taking about this website. So I downloaded it. I made an account and I made friends there. I am more honest online because no one knows my personality from rumors and such. So my new friend introduced me to 3 of my now new best friends. I met 2 other people. I have 6 bestfriends in total. My best friends are crazy (good crazy). They all have dealt with self harm or had/has suicidal thoughts. We use to talk all day and night. I stayed up till 1 or 2 am almost every day just talking to them. So 2 of my bestfriends had a fight over me and stuff. That week I was so so so depressed. I rarely left my bed. I only left if I needed to go to the bathroom or get food. I ate barely anything. For that whole week fights were happening between us 3. I didn't cut myself. I thought I was when really I was just scratching myself with the razor. I brought 2 knifes in my room and I was messing around with 1 and I accidentally stabbed my foot. It was funny to me because my arm spazed. So everything got cleared up with us 3 and I was less depressed. When I started going out of my room more I tried talking to my brothers. He mentioned something about that week and I didn't even know what happened. So many things went on and I didn't know. Soon I started cutting. I don't remember why, but when I saw the blood I felt good. I was disappointed though because not much blood came out. Everything was going great. I had my amazing bestfriends by my side and no one saw my cuts or even knew about it. My parents would get mad because I was always on my iPad. Then one day I really wanted to talk to my friends because something bad happened to one of them. So my mom was making me do work and stuff and I got tired of not being able to talk to them so I said "my friends are suicidal" my mom got p*ssed. My brothers didn't believe me. I thought my mom would understand and let me talk to them. It was the stupidest thing I have ever done! Later that night my dad came home and my parents and I had a talk. I was crying so much. My dad was about to leave the room and I was just done. I yelled "Because you make me feel worthless!" to my mom and her being all pissy like "How do I make you feel worthless?" I was crying too much to say why "hmmm???????? HMMM?????" My dad came bac in and talk to me more. They made me unlock my ipad and let them search through it. My wall paper was a collage with 30+ pictures of one of my friends. I had a google docs account and that's where I wrote down how I was feeling and what was happening with my friends. They read it and they started talking about how it was very intense. "(blank) went to bed earlier so she can get away from the pain. Sleep is very helpful to her. Sleep is like another dimension where you can get away from reality and be totally oblivious of the things happening around you" My dad started talking about how it was true and I got so angry because I didn't want ANYONE reading it! After that day I haven't spoken to them in 8 almost 9 months! My parent now knew that I self harmed. I became more suicidal and I cutted more. On Thanksgiving no one would listen to me and I cut myself. In December my best friends birthday was soon and on that day I felt so bad because I couldn't even wish him a happy birthday! On the 25th I wanted to cut myself but I thought this is suppose to be a happy day! So the next day I cut myself because it wasn't Christmas. I cried on New Years because I was surprised I made it through the year. By the late 2015 year and early 2016 year I was so addicted to cutting. I would cut so much everyday! If I cut 30 times that meant 15 cuts on each thigh. I loved seeing the blood come out of my skin. Even though it felt like every cut was splitting open the next day it was worth it to me. I was thinking about the future one day while I was cutting. "if you mess up your body so much you'll probably never get a date!" So March 5, 2016 I stopped cutting. The urges were hard to fight. I was clean for about 3 to 4 ish months until I snapped. I cut myself all up and down my arm. I looked like a zebra with red stripes. They didn't leave scars because they weren't deep even to. I began cutting on my arm more because I said "F8ck it, I don't care about what my mom thinks. I need to do this!" Then one night I called the suicide hotline because I knew my cutting would lead to suicide one day. I was hospitalized for 11 days during June (summer break June-July) My room changed. My door was taken down and replaced with curtains. My knife was gone. BUT! Not my pencil sharpener that I used to cut myself. I waited a few days before I started to cut myself again because I didn't want to seem suspicious. They didn't know I was cutting myself again until I turned on my lamp for about 30 seconds to take off my ace band aid I had on my arm. My mom came in and said show me your arm. I fought strength trying to pull my arm so she could see it. I gave up and let her look. She started stroking the FRESH cuts with her hand. About a week later I was done with life completely. I did not want to live depressed. I wanted to die so much. I grabbed and shaving razor and began to cut my wrist. It was a failed attempt because barley any blood came out. I was planning on taking random plls I could find but I forgot. I was too busy trying to cut myself deep. I am at a hospital now and they won't let me go home so I was hospitalized again for12 maybe 13 days. I missed 2 weeks of school. I feel unwanted at school and I am still as suicidal as I was but even worse!
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