So, I guess this is my interview?
So, this question is “Why do I self Injure”. This question, is quite hard to answer because there are so many reasons on why I do self harm. I am going to answer this question, by posting parts of an email I sent to a friend about my self harm. It explains, in the most honest way, on why I self harm. I was/am going through a tough time with my cutting and I am still cutting currently. This email was about a lot of things, but this paragraph explains in the most honest way I could, on why I self harm.
Here they are :
I am cutting again. I am cutting very badly once again … and honest and truly, I don’t want to stop it. Like, the thought of stopping makes me want to cut more, and I am hating myself for ever once stopping and I am blaming myself (self pity sucks and this story will sound like a bad emo poem, but it’s not meant to be.) for ever telling anyone about my cutting, and that I should have shut my mouth and lived on because telling anyone anything only causes hurt and pain … For me, cutting is the best option and I don’t think it is harmful (unless you do it to kill yourself). I don’t cut to die. I cut because every day, hour, min, sec, I am thinking, and I cannot stop thinking, and everyone around me is thinking and no one will shut up. All the pain, anger, sadness, etc won’t go away enough to let me really breathe. When I cut, and release the blade onto my skin, all the thoughts of people around me, and myself, all the bad emotions are gone. I can finally not think and just breathe. You know how amazing it is to -really- breathe for the first time? Take those few min of breathing to get you to that place that gets you through the day , so you won’t end up killing yourself. From the time the blade hits my skin, till it scabs, I can breathe and not think. and that is the best medicine that I have ever had. I don’t even breathe when I cut … I just let me bleeding be my breathe… It just takes me there… to that feeling and everytime I cut, I smile and know that everything is okay.
and then the little things about cutting make me happy. When you buy a new blade, when your exacto knife is fresh. When you get out of the shower and your skin is softer …. little things like that make me happy..and then when I cut, it’s like an orgasm. It’s so horribly fucked up and I know, somewhere in me, I know it isn’t right, but for the time being, I am content with that form of happiness.
Pretty honest right? Well, that in a sense, is why I cut and it also answers a few other questions on this topic, but I will answer those in more depth at another time.
So, I never know how to end posts like this… but here is the first answer to one of the many questions I will soon answers.
Person [female, age 18 , began to SI at the age of 11, College student]