what i know
By have a heartZBJ,
I’ve been cutting myself since I was 11, but have vivid memories of when I was even years younger, slamming my head on the walls as hard as I could, or purposely falling off of dangerous bridges I would build in my room with the intention of self-harm. I suppose that because I’ve been doing it for so long, it’s something I just know. When I feel embarrassed, I feel the need to hurt myself. When others treat me badly, I find myself wanting to do it. It’s a way to punish myself, and get what I feel I deserve for being who I am. I’ve always hated myself, and have never been happy with who I am. I’ve taken so much crap from my family about how I think and act, and I have no real close friends I can talk to this sort of thing about. Cutting does not make me feel better about myself, only worse, but it’s the one thing I know to do when I mess up. It helps me remember never to do it again. It’s also a release. So much negative energy, emotion, and frustration builds up inside of me, and I don’t know what to do with it other than let it out. It’s my release, punishment, and reminder. It doesn’t help me like myself any more, and it sure as heck doesn’t help other people treat me better, either.
Person [female, 19, began to SI at age ~5, university student]