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  • justmenomorenoless

    Why I SI


    • (I'm not sure if I'm putting this in the right spot, sorry. I'm new here)

       

      I injured myself for years, mainly by cutting and burning. I was addicted, but got away from it. I relapsed about 2 years ago, and swore not to do it again. I made a promise to myself and my fiance, and I broke that promise just now.

      I did it because I felt like I deserved it. I've let my body go and am extremely unfit and not attractive. My fiance asked me the other day to flex my arm. He said, "ok, there is some muscle there." I felt horrible after that. I wanted to do one cut for the years I've let myself go ( so 18 cute. I figured the years I spent as a baby don't count. I'm 21 now). But I only managed 7. I feel like I deserve more, but my hands were shaking too badly to continue. I felt happy, almost, and a sense of relief and pleasant sadness afterwards. My depression and anxiety have been acting up, so maybe that's why I felt like I deserved it. I don't know. I just don't know. I know my emotions are going crazy and are all very heavy. Apprehension (at who might notice, what my fiance will think, any guilt or shame I might feel, etc) is slowly setting in, but I think I'll have some peace before it's overwhelming, so that's cool stuff. Anyway, thanks for reading or whatever. I've been extremely lonely and don't feel like I can talk to anyone in my life about it.

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    Draco Malfoy

    Posted · Report

    It's understandable to me that you broke that promise. :love: It's one of those things that you really can't promise people because you have to want to not to for you and only you and you have to want that above all, even relief in dark times.

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    justmenomorenoless

    Posted · Report

    On 12/2/2015 at 10:04 PM, Draco Malfoy said:

    It's understandable to me that you broke that promise.

    Thank you for saying that. I seek understanding almost above everything else.

    I feel like sometimes I want to stop and sometimes I don't because I would rather hurt me than anyone else. It just gets really confusing.

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    thatsme

    Posted · Report

    i totally relate to that though, I feel like I shouldn't do it, but then emotions build up and I don't want to hurt anybody else, so it's easier just to hurt myself because i'm the only one that really knows what's going on inside my own mind. don't forget that you're beautiful, and there will always be someone that thinks it even if they don't tell you :) 

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Welcome to self-injury.net. We are a support community for self-harmers and also provide information on self-harm, creative works, media lists, lists of resources (helplines, textlines, mental health apps, therapists, etc.), etc. We focus on self-injury but a number of other mental health issues are included.

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  • self-injury.net is a self-harm community and resource founded in 1999. Provides support, resources, and information on self-harm.
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