self-injury.net

2 days 22 hours ago

I'm not sure how I should start this, so..

I'm fourteen and have been cutting for 3 years.
My mom and stepdad have been married since I was six, and I have found out only recently that my mom met him on the internet.
He has hit me multiple times, though not often, each time left a visible injury.

My parents don't listen to me when I want to open up to them, and won't leave me alone when I need privacy.

I guess you could say that I hang out with the bad kids, though I want away from the majority of them.
Almost every time I speak, I have to repeat myself more than once, as a result of being overlooked.

Though I'm in a crowded room, screaming at the top of my lungs, as loudly as possible.. No one seems to hear me. No one seems to care.

I hate myself.
Reflection. Weight. Voice. Personality. Appearance.
Everything about me.

My parents, Mom in particular, expect so much out of me. I can't mess up. I have to be perfect. My oldest brother was a dropout and has two possible daughters. My second oldest brother makes mistakes and wants to be a mechanic. I have to be a vet and make alot of money. I have to have perfect grades, God forbid a B on my report card, let alone a C. I can't go to school in New York and major in something to do with art. I can't do what I've always dreamed of. I have to be perfect.

BULLSHIT.

I have one friend in particular who feels exactly what I feel. Who sees things the way I do, and whose parents see the same way mine do.

I may sound like a whiny little girl who just wants to get her way, but that's not the big picture. I have too much stress for an average 14 year old, don't I? Or am I just being selfish for wanting to be a kid at least once or twice a week?

Cutting helps me release all this shit that's building up inside of me. It's my visible sign of relief, if only momentary.

I talk to my best friend about what  I do, though most of my friends know, she's the only one that cares. The only one who has sat next to me and cried the same tears I have, so many times. I've talked to my youth pastor and prayed for forgiveness. I've tried stopping. But recently, I've been drawn to the blades. I get weak, but not as weak as I've been before. The words "No" and "Stop" and "Don't" and "I can't" all escaping from my lips as I drag the razor across my skin. My wrist, my stomach, my legs.. I don't want to do it anymore yet at the same time I do.. I'd like to keep cutting, but I can't stand to watch myself bleed. (Mr.Owl Ate My Metal Worm by D.R.U.G.S.)

Do any of you have some advice for me? If you do please email me at vcvickers928gmail [dot] com
Please??

4 days 10 hours ago

I'd suggest saying that you scraped your ankles on the pedals of your bike when you were stopping fast (If you don't cut deep and you ride a bike this will work) for wrists I would say just wear lots of cheap plastic bracelets (because they're waterproof) and for shoulders I would just periodically put a temporary tattoo over the cuts you can see and maybe try to wear t-shirts... I'm not really sure but those are just suggestions! Sorry for the long reply!